“There is nothing that wastes the body like worry, and one who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
This past weekend I had one of those great insights into my process. You know when all of a sudden, one of your habits is illuminated and you understand it with great clarity? And it takes a while to actually make the change settle into your life, but once you’ve seen things this new way, you’ll never really be able to go back to that habit in quite the same way?
Yeah, I love it when that happens, too.
What got exposed for me these last few days was my worry. I worry a lot. I confuse worrying with caring and loving – I used to believe that I worried because I cared so much. Now I know that’s not true.
I worried because I was arrogant. Because I was trying to hang on to the illusion that I have any kind of control. Worrying gives me something to do – thoughts to direct through the busy intersections and flooded highways in my mind.
I worried instead of feeling – instead of sitting with the vulnerability of not knowing whether people I love are going to regain their health, of not having quite enough money to pay for things around here. Instead of sitting with my feelings of insecurity as a mother, I indulge the fear that I am wrecking my son forever by letting him watch Sto.mpin Tom videos on the iPa.d until his eyeballs fall out so that I can try to finish the dishes or drink a cup of tea or check Faceb.ook.
I worried because I was scared, but I’m going to be braver from on.